Ever had a girlfriend that just wouldn’t … leave?
 
(or, for those that prefer boys, if you’ve known a Mission emo brat, you too know what I mean)
 
Maybe it was a hookup. Maybe a friend of a friend. But you were always just sorta biding time. Hanging out till something better comes along. Eventually, that [...]

Did you know the earth, in addition to warming, is slowing? We, the early Global Slowing movement, are raising awareness of this issue here at Splunk.
 
So dire is the threat that time itself is being distorted by this world-wide phenomenon. To compensate, authorities have declared a Leap Second to protect us from slowing rotational [...]

What is this? Do you know how hard we in the morale department work to keep you happy? Our fingers bleed; have you seen a callous this big before? Only on that black pit you call a soul.
 
We paid good money for that tasty goodness rotting away in the kitchen. Don’t pretend like you didn’t [...]

Sometimes you must be reminded by loss to appreciate what you have. Consider, for example, the tragic loss of liquor that afflicted us for 13 years. Makes the truancy of your Splunk bar staff seem like a mere bathroom break.
 
But all bad things come to an end.
 
Seventy five years ago the US repealed [...]

Woe. Calamity. Bust. As your retirement account swoons and banks once mighty crumble to dust, you might start to wonder what to do at a time like this. Do you flee to cash? Bullion? Or do you reach deep into those pantalones and find your last bit of pocket change to plow into this bottom? [...]

For a nice sunny summer week, far too many of us have succumbed to illness. Clearly the move, sprinting and attendant stress has been too much for some Splunkers. We salute their sacrifice to the greater good. Those who still survive should take all due and proper precautions to ensure their continued health. For that [...]

After last week’s little sojourn to the desert, many of you have expressed thoughtful concern for my well being. After all, even a many-talented drinker like myself might be challenged by:
 

Riding a bike

Avoiding 50,000 dirty hippies

Avoiding Matt

Maintaining a satisfactory blood alcohol content

 
…especially when one must do all of these things at the same time, [...]

Last week Boris, our erstwhile adopted Swede, came up to me and asked if I could make a cocktail next happy hour using his awesome Swedish absinthe. Sure, I thought, why not.
 
Well, let’s just say “it’s an acquired taste”… a taste acquired perchance by licking bark or eating dirt.
 
However, it *does* have thujone [...]

Since so few of you, especially the ones that complained about ghurrly drinks, came and drank gin last week there is still plenty of gin.
 
So now we’ll try broadening our audience by watering down perfectly good gin. But fear not, PM can complicate even this simple feat.
 
Gin and Tonic drinkers, especially at a [...]

Sources who will remain nameless have been reporting growing disquiet with the “ghurly-man drinkies” served at Fourth Floor Fridays. Whether this is because they are too sweet, too fruity or too likely to leave certain people brain-whacked they do not tell. Why they speak like the Gobernator is also unclear.
 
However, in an attempt to [...]